can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
