In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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