life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
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