i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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