Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
