i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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