Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
