he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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