I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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