worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
He has the fingertips of a God
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