I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Randomize
