Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
This is my gift to your gina
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
