I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
