Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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