The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
