I like my sex mixed with concussions.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
