i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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