I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
