I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
We have started to decorate penises.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
