i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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