i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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