I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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