Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
