I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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