Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
