my vag is so smooth its legendary
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Randomize
