she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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