do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Randomize
