Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
you traded sex for a burrito?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
