I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
We're too hungover to prance.
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