hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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