just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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