It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
