Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
