It's Friday. Sex?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
