I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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