so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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