it's too hot outside to masturbate.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
