lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
