he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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