fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
