He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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