I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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