Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
