Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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