i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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