One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
