You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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