There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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