She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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