Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
